You’re out with mates, having a great night. The DJs are wicked, the place has a decent vibe and you’ve been dancing all night. You decide it’s time for another drink.

Now I’m going to shock you all by saying ‘spare a thought for the barmaid!’

Not only has she been running around all night serving all your fellow clubbers but it’s likely she’s put up with a shitload of abuse from mouthy twats who can’t hold their drink, been hit on by men old enough to be her dad and ugly enough to put her off men for life, and she’s only halfway through her ten-hour shift.

I’ve worked behind the bar at one of London’s superclubs (I won’t name any names but think along the lines of a government department of noise, where people get shot and stuff) and by the end of the night, I’d rather have kicked you than kissed you (despite your irresistible come-ons).

For those who have made various requests of me during my time as a barmaid, please see the following reponses:

• no I do not want to go drinking at your house at 830am mainly because I’m not an alcoholic and I’m knackered;
• no I don’t care that you spilt your drink you silly cow, you paid more for your vodka than I earn in an hour;
• no I don’t want to watch you slobber over some slut who has been duped into thinking that you are the best she’s going to get, so get off my bar, I don’t know where she’s been;
• no I can’t give you free drinks -  I know this place is a rip-off, but you’re the mug that came here and trust me, the money isn’t going into my pocket;
• don’t wave your money in my face, I’m not blind and I won’t come any quicker, and I get paid whether you get served or not.

So spare a thought for us sweet, friendly barmaids. If she looks like she’s going to cry, then it’s probably her first day; if she looks like she’s about to attack, she’s been there for a while. Either way, pay her a compliment (nothing sleazy), wait patiently, hell, even give her a tip to bump up the minimum wage that the tight-arses at the club refuse to increase.

You might just make her night because there’s nothing fun about watching others on a night out while you suffer with stiff management, rude customers and the increasing urge to drink the bar dry!

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